We Have Been Expecting You, Mr. Bond

Here’s my friend Kseniia as a James Bond villainess—and also as the obligatory Bond girl, given that she’s dressed for the role.

Kseniia is a proud Russian who is partial to Vladimir Putin. I am an old-fashioned Reagan conservative. So naturally it occurred to me that she might indeed be part of the Evil Empire: Otherwise, why would she approach me? Did she wish to infiltrate my perimeter? Did she imagine that I knew our nuclear codes? Would I soon be thrown to sharks with laser beams?

When she left for Cuba for a beach vacation (yes, she really did this) I hired a detective to enter her house and pry into her life. There he found a photo of Kim Jong Un engaged in behavior that’s illegal everywhere but San Francisco. I will say only that sea foam green is not his color.

Also, he found that Kseniia had downloaded a few of Hillary Clinton’s Top Secret emails—but goodness, who hasn’t? I don’t know about you, but my SPAM filter weeds through a dozen a day.

So it appears that Kseniia is not an anti-American femme fatale after all. Now I suppose I will have to teach the world to sing, and buy it a doggone Coke. (Van Evan Fuller)